...too picky?

My purpose in life is to serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

My purspose in life is to defeat my yetzer hara, and reach my full potential.

My purspose in life is to be closer to HaShem.

"Thanks for suggesting Mr Ploni ben ploni, he seems like a mentch, however he doesn't make time to learn Torah, I mean, he doesn't have a seder, he said that himself, I am not interested"

A storm breaks.

I hang up the phone, I am too tired to speak to anyone, too hurt.

Tidbits of the conversation are playing in my head...I am confused.

Thanks for reminding me that I am too picky, I believe I left the earning potential, looks, family background, education and all that open...but I only specified that...well, he should be , well, kovea itim.

To a bachur, that is what it comes down to, you love Torah? I am not a cardiac-Jew, I want to be a practical one, you love Torah? Then make time for it!!

A guy with a good heart is something to value, of course, but a guy who doesn't have a seder, is something I can't value.

No, let's not play games, don't tell me I will marry a mean guy who has a seder, why do you think it has to be the one (good middos) or the other ( has a learning seder) ?

Thanks also for reminding me that thousands of singles will never marry because they are picky-just like me.

I hang up the phone , I am too tired to speak to anyone. I grab my siddur and I pour my heart out to My Father In Heaven.

Back again!

I can't believe I am writing again, I've been neglectful to this blog, I ask mechila from anyone who has stopped by and was deceived by the previous emptiness.

I have been, busy, I heard a Rabbi say to me once that being single and busy is the best thing I could do for myself right now, and it is my best tool against boredom, negative thoughts, and having my energy channeled in not so fruitful projects.

I am b"H still quiet busy with seminary every morning, and work in the afternoon; In a couple of week college will start again and my seminary time will be cut in half.

In seminary I 've been learning two seforim ( among other things), Rabbi Dessler's Michtav M' Eliyahu and Ohel Rachel ( hebrew, published by Mishkan Yisrael (Yerushalayim)).

I am so blessed, I am so lucky, I am so thankful ( I think I did write this before) to the Borei Olam for letting me learn Torah.

I do feel frustrated so many times because of my slow Hebrew, or because of the yetzer hara reminding me that I am a few years behind a typical bais yaakov girl my age. But I keep reminding myself, that HaShem certainly knows how much my ignorance hurts me, and He will certainly continue to hold my hand step by step towards learning more how to be a true Bas Melech.

Ok y' all ( I've been spending sometime with my good friends from Texas ), it is good to be writing again, I hope I could find something more inspiring to say next time, till then...take care!

It is summertime!

And i am not in Eretz Yisroel so that is deception #1, I am not done with school that is deception #2, and the biggest deception is that Moshiach is not here( and back to point #1) therefore i am not in Eretz Yisroel...
I have been fine and busy for those who were asking, I am working for the summer, davening, learning Rashi and collecting recipes - making the actual food is a step i have yet to get to-

Since i cant come up with somthing entertaining or interesting i will write these lines i ve been thinking of today as I am going through a difficult personal situation:

My Dear Father, My King: Thank You for watching over me, thank You for letting me feel the warmth and security of knowing that You are helping me in every step of my life, of my day, of every second that I live, Thank You for giving me the confidence, clarity and firm knowledge that I am not alone in this battle of life, whether it is a battle against my yetzer hara, or with making good choices, or this puzzle of figuring out the best way to serve You...I love you so much and I want You to bring the geula to klal yisroel, b'meheira!

Will Bli neder write more seriousely now that I was reminded that I have a blog!

Busy

Hi everyone,
I have been b"H busy busy busy.
I am trying to be a better Jewess, working on my middos, my avodas HaShem and everything related to my yidishkeit.

I am also very happy and very excited for Nissan, my birthday is in a few days and I am preparing to thank HaShem for the day I came into this world, for allowing my neshomo to be in this generation, for letting my parents raise me the way they did -yes they aren't jews but they merited that their daughter became a yid-...simply: For giving me life.

I will be sitting at my first Seder as a jew as well: The last two pesachim i sat and dreamt of my own geulah, to be able to do mitzvos, and keep shabbos fully.
This year i am living part of my personal geulah b"H, i am a jew, and i am keeping shabbos fully and of cours all other mitzvos b'ezras HaShem, soon, G-d willing, we should all be able to offer korbanos in the beis Hamikdash Hashlishi and live the complete geula.

A Freilechen and Kosher Pesach, and remember to make a place for the 5th son...the one who doesn't know about the seder at all.

Travel post: Haiti

Haitian Art

Picture courtesy of voyagevirtuel.info

I was 11 years old when I spent a summer in Haiti ( click here for google map view ), the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, it is hard to imagine that such a beautiful green resourceful country could have such a striking poverty, I knew the statistics but I couldn't really internalize it until I've seen it with my own eyes.

One of the scariest things that happened to me happened in Haiti: We were driving through a "bad" neighborhood : Cite Soleil is known for kidnappers, robbers and armed gangs, my father didn't know how to drive, so he had a driver, Jim'.

Somehow we found ourselves driving through the wrong areas, in the wrong time; We were in front of a football ( soccer, depends where you are from) stadium, right after the game! There was a lot of traffic and we were caught in the middle of a sea of cars, we couldn't distinguish the road, pedestrians and drivers were side by side...suddenly we heard gun shots, jim' the driver was very scared so he took his gun and shot it in the air, the crowd in front of us dispersed and we were able to finally find our way out of the scene.

My father lived a couple of years in Haiti working as coordinator for an NGO, he wasn't always armed but his driver was, Jim' explained to me that the car was armored, but I think I still need therapy to recover from the shock of that incident.

The situation is much worse now than it was in 97', recently, Haitians have developed a cookie like food made out of salt, mud and oils as a substitute for the lacking food, the unemployment rate is 80% and

Haiti is classified the most corrupted country in the world according to transparency International

Every night, down hill from our residence, the locals gathered in the empty marketplace transforming it to a dancing ring the stands of fruits and vegetables are replaced with stands of "rum" sellers, the Compaq rhythm music, mainly drums starts around 10 pm every night, I remember my sister and I spending good parts of the night watching the scene from the roof.

The beaches in Haiti are simply F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S, I haven't seen such clear, pure waters in my entire life!

In port Au Prince, the public transportation is tap tap, shuttle like buses/vans, extensively decorated, most of the time with religious slogans and pictures, a piece of popular art more than it is a mean of transportation.

UPDATE: I just wanted to add that most Haitian immigrants live in the US, mainly in New York...have you seen any Haitian flags around CH?

Market Place in Port Au Prince ( Capital)

(pictures above courtesy of friendship.org)

(Picture courtesy of traveladventures.org)

Mazal Tov to my friend!

Something about a wedding of an older single friend is so special.

Especially when this friend spent too many single years...but with dignity and simcha.

I have no words that would make justice to how happy I am tonight.

Mazal Tov!

3 train and the tefillin guy.

Today I witnessed a scene on the three train, from Crown Heights towards Atlantic Ave station.

An intense scene.

I walked in the train pushing my way to the empty seat, then I looked to the lady sitting a few seats away, at first I thought she was somehow mentally ill, she was singing loudly, gesturing with her hands and swaying. A black, petite old lady...singing...with her unpleasant voice...singing church songs!

Grrreat! I thought. Now I have to hear the Yoshke story, I day-dreamed that I could just stand, walk to her, and ask her to stop singing...I was offended by her "Come to Yoshke ...lallaaa...lalla" rime, and because she sings terribly and out of the scale.

I contemplated moving to the next track, but I saw two Lubavichers sitting across of me and I was somehow comforted.

I took my sefer tehilim and tried to concentrate on reading the holy psukim despite the annoying Sunday morning church service obnoxiously conducted a few seats away from me.

But then...one of the Lubavichers, the son, opened his tefillin case, took the tefillin out, kissed them, and slowly, but securely proceeded to lay them...in the train, then he opened his chitas...

The lady's voice became louder, I didn't want to look directly to her but she was moving in her seat and pointing to the bochur and his fathr, she was in a trans-like state, still singing.

I looked at the passengers, some looked puzzled at at the bochur laying his tefillin and at the preacher singing about Yoshke.

I had a feeling of distress, the lady was maamesh yelling, I think I heard her say "Stop the sabbath and come to yoshke" or at least something in that line, while pointing toward the bochur and his father.

I felt threatened, not necessarily in a physical manner, but her voice became unbearable, why did I forget my mp3 player ? I thought to myself, I brought my sefer tehillim closer to me, concentrated on the wise psukim and started uttering the holy words.

My stop has finally arrived, i looked up, the bochur didn't take off his tefillin yet, the lady was still in her enraged -somehow melodic- trans.

May we all merit to see Moshiach very very soon.